I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
