were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
