But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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