Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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