Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
