Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
