So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
