Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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