I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
