We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
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I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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