when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
