Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
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how do you play pong handcuffed?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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