you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
