I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
