I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
