in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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