True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize