i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
