I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
