Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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