were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
