Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
