I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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