I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
