don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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