Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
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Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
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Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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