so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
