i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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