so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
