she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
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Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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