I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
