If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
