its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize