I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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