You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
