i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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