you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
