One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
