ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
