all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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