Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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