he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
