First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
