Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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