I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
