This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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