if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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