I didn't shave. On purpose
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
