Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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