She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
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My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
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These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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