Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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