Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
