I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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