dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
