My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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