i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.