thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?